IF I HADN'T LOST THIS, WOULD I HAVE FOUND THAT?

Life has been absolutely crazy in the past two months and sometimes I believe it just get as mad as this for me so I can actually sit and hammer away at the keyboards to get my mind off what I cannot deal with.

As a writer I feel so very fulfilled but as person I must admit, I was lost.

It's taken me 5 years of tremendous heart break to come to this point, and I deliberately pushed it to bring it upon myself so late so that I could handle it emotionally.

I built a company from scratch from the time I was in my early twenties about an equal number of years ago. It went on to create milestones with almost everything I produced, be it a television serial, a documentary or a film.
We touched heights as a production house in the mid and late nineties as amongst the top 10 in the industry through sheer hard work and discovery.
As the industry grew to mammoth proportions, we obviously did not make the right decisions to capitalize on the times and fell apart, attempting time and again to come together and see ourselves through, but failed on the business front miserably.
In better times we had done enough for me to have built a life to make myself secure so that I could set myself to higher pursuits with my creativity and practise experiments as a writer and a film maker.
The last attempt to capitalize on what we had built was a big series for TV in 2006, which, like the rest of our works, went on to make it to the top of the charts, but failed us in the business so badly, that the company was left heavily in debt.
Everything came to a stand still and I had to close operations once and for all and settle all matters, some which were in court and some outside of it.
Under tremendous stress I hypothecated all I had built in the last 20 years, hoping to safeguard it through my work but never realized that I wouldn't be able to produce anything under the pressure of the fear of having to lose it.
It took five years of relentless court proceedings going on against me and my company because I did not have the power of funds to fuel the battle against some of the things which were also completely unfair.
Eventually, I had to cave in and I knew I would have to do that at some point, from start, but I only wanted to fall apart when I was ready to deal with it internally, as all along I knew that, however brave I was, if I were to break at the wrong time, I would be crushed.
Three months ago, after giving fierce opposition to my detractors, I closed most matters with the help of my family which, however painful it was for me, stood up for me and released me from the attack of those who had me nailed, by paying up much more than what was owed to them.
And finally, two months ago I went and handed over the house I had earned for myself and lived in for 15 years to the bank it was hypothecated to, to settle the last matter.
It took me five years to come to this because I was terrified of finding myself without a roof on my head, that too without a job at hand.
And then, when I did it, I lost the roof on my head and I was still without a job, but I was unafraid.
Time had made me fearless and given me the courage to plunge to the unknown one more time in this life time, exactly as it had happened before with me, 20 years ago.
This time I am not as confident, but much wiser.
I wouldn't say it was easy.
I was unafraid, no doubt, but I was sleepless.
For days on end, after having handed over my house to a bank and moving into rental premises, I sat up nights and days wondering how I'm going to get by with the bills each month, which have now escalated because there is a rent added to it.
What I would do if I could not gather enough steam to make myself a home again?

When I had started I had 35 to 40 years of a career to look ahead at.

Now I have about 15 to 20 and a whole new generation of creativity rising over me, with greater power and energy, which I have to compete with.

As a writer and a creative person I had to reach beyond what I had touched so far.

As a proffessional I had to go back to where I had started from.

Where were the two roads going to meet?

On one sleepless night, I started going through my files on my laptop and found amidst many things a synopsis and concept note for a film called BAD which I had drafted many years ago.

It was funny, it was weird and insane but it got my attention and I went for it.

It was the story of two girlfriends who meet in strange circumstances when they are really young and start by hating each other but also connecting over the recognition of a streak of independence in both of them. They get drawn closer to each other through an understanding of each other which they don't find with anybody else in their respective lives. They share truths about their various relationships with different men at different stages of their lives and feel comforted because neither stands in judgement about the others escapades. The conflict arises when they stretch the trust they share with each other and risk it by sharing a man.

The rest I shall not reveal now.

I began to write BAD to overcome my lack of sleep through adverse times, and in my worst moments produced a piece of work which I can hardly believe I've written because something as funny and as convoluted in such terrible times was least expected by me from myself.

However, it kept me going and saw me through.

And it is a work I'm so unsure of that I just know that it must be good because I'm also experiencing a sense of pride in it.

I read an extract from the play to an audience at NCPA'S Chauraha, last week, thanks to my friend Deepa Gahlot who drove me to do a reading with friends Nisha Harale Bedi and Salim Asgarally. It was a terrific experience interacting with others who were there.

I'm more confident as I write the final draft before we go into production to stage it.

I now wonder, what if I hadn't lost my house, would I have found BAD - The Theater of Weird?

Probably not.