I really havn't!!!
And Dale, one of my best friends and media managers since ages, is so upset. He believes I should update my blog regularly, or else it will become obsolete. I tell him, I don't have anything to say and he laughs. 'You? You who couldn't keep your mouth shut for years, have nothing to say? I don't believe it Vinta'. So I contemplate and tell him that I'll try. He's right, a few years ago Dales' job, as my media manager, was to keep sorting out the mess I had created almost everyday at one event or another, or one interview or another, with my loud mouth and completely honest opinion about almost everything. He would tell me at times to ask all journalists who called me directly, to speak to me through him, and I would promise to do exactly that, but lose myself all over again when asked a question.
'Do you realize that one day everyone is going to be pissed off with you and you are going to left without work and penniless', he would say, and I would laugh and tell him that I will work on myself and try to be diplomatic.
Then one day, three years ago, what he warned me of, what he had predicted, happened.
I went from pillar to post trying to ensure that my production company kept running post a serious financial breakdown and huge losses, after the last serial that I had produced called 'Miilee', which was on Star Plus, and I am still trying.
The company has been closed since then and I have been trying to revive it with one attempt after another.
Having lost so badly, I actually took a reverse plunge, thinking it was marraige for me, not realizing that it was an escape I had found, and made the fatal mistake of marrying my best friend of 20 years, only to walk our seperate ways forever within just a few months. It was exactly an year ago, on the 14th of August, 2008 that he expired, having never met me after we had parted ways, leaving me wondering if life was really worth it at all...
Leaving me with so many unanswered questions.
Leaving me bereft of the opportunity to ever be able to sit down and talk to him about why what happened between us, ever happened.
That was Anil Bahuguna, my best friend for two decades, my husband for two years, who became the only person in my life so far, whom I will never be able to clear the air with.
The person, after whom, I have not felt emotional again.
I had been so intimidating to my contemporaries and peers in the business, that they were perhaps glad that I wasn't able to put together a show on TV again.
Now I was wrecked and terrified, and there was no one out there who wanted to do anything for me in my business despite my repeated success in the business for over 14 consequtive years.
I shut up and stepped out of the scene. Well, almost...
I kept to myself, holing up in the virtual world hoping that within this vast universe, I would be lost, keep myself busy so I don't lose the dicipline of writing and keep my machine, my mind, polished and ready when opportunity strikes again, if it does.
I kept trying to find place for atleast one of my toes in the business, but without a company in operation and with an empty bank account, now living on support of my mother, sisters and brother, it's been next to impossible, not that I have given up trying.
Around the same time, about two and half years ago, after Anil and I had gone our own ways, my nephew Shiv, introduced me to the thrills of Facebook.
I registered on it and started with just two or three people in my circle of friends and family there. Slowly it grew on me, and I grew with it, and I was surrounded by the entire world, which I had hidden myself away from, within the next year or so.
Gosh, I'm back in the thick of it and can't help but be a part of it.
I write random stuff now, instead of episodes and scripts, and although it is fulfilling, it doesn't pay me at all. I still have to monetise my productivity to survive and am hoping I'll start doing it soon.
But in the meantime, I have promised Dale that I will write on my blog everyday and put my thoughts down regularly.
Diplomatic or undiplomatic... I don't know.
One thing I know for sure, I have to be honest when I speak or write.
As a matter of fact, if I don't feel it, I cannot speak it or write it.
Whether in business, or out of it, I just cannot help it...
After so long...
I'm feeling it so I'm writing again.
I'm on a roll again... I think?!
And Dale, one of my best friends and media managers since ages, is so upset. He believes I should update my blog regularly, or else it will become obsolete. I tell him, I don't have anything to say and he laughs. 'You? You who couldn't keep your mouth shut for years, have nothing to say? I don't believe it Vinta'. So I contemplate and tell him that I'll try. He's right, a few years ago Dales' job, as my media manager, was to keep sorting out the mess I had created almost everyday at one event or another, or one interview or another, with my loud mouth and completely honest opinion about almost everything. He would tell me at times to ask all journalists who called me directly, to speak to me through him, and I would promise to do exactly that, but lose myself all over again when asked a question.
'Do you realize that one day everyone is going to be pissed off with you and you are going to left without work and penniless', he would say, and I would laugh and tell him that I will work on myself and try to be diplomatic.
Then one day, three years ago, what he warned me of, what he had predicted, happened.
I went from pillar to post trying to ensure that my production company kept running post a serious financial breakdown and huge losses, after the last serial that I had produced called 'Miilee', which was on Star Plus, and I am still trying.
The company has been closed since then and I have been trying to revive it with one attempt after another.
Having lost so badly, I actually took a reverse plunge, thinking it was marraige for me, not realizing that it was an escape I had found, and made the fatal mistake of marrying my best friend of 20 years, only to walk our seperate ways forever within just a few months. It was exactly an year ago, on the 14th of August, 2008 that he expired, having never met me after we had parted ways, leaving me wondering if life was really worth it at all...
Leaving me with so many unanswered questions.
Leaving me bereft of the opportunity to ever be able to sit down and talk to him about why what happened between us, ever happened.
That was Anil Bahuguna, my best friend for two decades, my husband for two years, who became the only person in my life so far, whom I will never be able to clear the air with.
The person, after whom, I have not felt emotional again.
I had been so intimidating to my contemporaries and peers in the business, that they were perhaps glad that I wasn't able to put together a show on TV again.
Now I was wrecked and terrified, and there was no one out there who wanted to do anything for me in my business despite my repeated success in the business for over 14 consequtive years.
I shut up and stepped out of the scene. Well, almost...
I kept to myself, holing up in the virtual world hoping that within this vast universe, I would be lost, keep myself busy so I don't lose the dicipline of writing and keep my machine, my mind, polished and ready when opportunity strikes again, if it does.
I kept trying to find place for atleast one of my toes in the business, but without a company in operation and with an empty bank account, now living on support of my mother, sisters and brother, it's been next to impossible, not that I have given up trying.
Around the same time, about two and half years ago, after Anil and I had gone our own ways, my nephew Shiv, introduced me to the thrills of Facebook.
I registered on it and started with just two or three people in my circle of friends and family there. Slowly it grew on me, and I grew with it, and I was surrounded by the entire world, which I had hidden myself away from, within the next year or so.
Gosh, I'm back in the thick of it and can't help but be a part of it.
I write random stuff now, instead of episodes and scripts, and although it is fulfilling, it doesn't pay me at all. I still have to monetise my productivity to survive and am hoping I'll start doing it soon.
But in the meantime, I have promised Dale that I will write on my blog everyday and put my thoughts down regularly.
Diplomatic or undiplomatic... I don't know.
One thing I know for sure, I have to be honest when I speak or write.
As a matter of fact, if I don't feel it, I cannot speak it or write it.
Whether in business, or out of it, I just cannot help it...
After so long...
I'm feeling it so I'm writing again.
I'm on a roll again... I think?!
Comments
Few know how to tackle them, most not at all.
The small ones are routine, fizzling out like bubbles,
The big ones require patience and mettle,
While some, with a little fate are scuttles.
Occasionally, a giant one comes along,
Taking everyone in a throng;
All perish, but one,
And this sole survivor restarts, despite the pain,
Armed with an experience and a confidence gain,
To challenge them once again.